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Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Just Like Bees


We have been busy with the daily coming and goings of a busy family. There hasn't been much time for writing or blogging but mouse has been keeping a private journal where she's been dutifully keeping her thoughts. Master felt it was appropriate to punish mouse twice for infractions against his wishes. He won't tolerate disobedience from mouse and why should he? Almost counterintuitively, mouse finds herself far more settled and at ease in her skin. 

We have also had fun, kinky fun and some truly laughing fun, we joined Lucy and Schroeder one evening and Lucy brought out Cards Against Humanity and while both of us have heard of the game, we had never played it. It was terrible raunchy fun. It felt as though we hadn't laughed in ages and felt wonderful to let go of all our mental baggage. Especially for Master who mouse swears, carries the weight of the world on his shoulders at times and wishes to become of better use to him. 

Lucy, who still has her Facebook, sent mouse a link to something she found interesting, about a woman who let her husband pick out her clothing for a week. Now, Lucy is well aware that mouse's clothing options are totally decided by Master so she thought mouse would find the article interesting. It didn't disappoint, because men do have a different way of looking at things. Many times Master has chosen two outfits for mouse, one extremely casual because he knows that she'll be running errands and cleaning house, but a second selection for the evening that's just for him, which is usually a bit more sexy. He prefers that mouse remain barefooted in the house, which isn't a problem unless it's cold, then he doesn't mind if mouse wears a foot covering of some sort.  It's a pity the woman in the article didn't continue the practice after the week was up, but it seems she learned something about herself and her husband so it's all good in the end.

Last night, Master wanted a cup of tea so mouse heated the water and put together the nice tea service that was inherited from his family. Carefully mouse carried the tray into his study and knelt beside the chaise lounge to fix his perfect cup of tea for him. He remarked later he found it deeply sexy the way mouse did it. It gave mouse that jolt of happiness knowing that she'd pleased him and he enjoyed the perfect cup of tea.

It's a million little things that will propel mouse to please him, whether it's a sexy dress he wishes mouse to wear, or shoes he prefers she didn't wear, or making a special meal that she just knows that he will enjoy. The happier she is in her slavery to him, the happier and more settled everyone is around us. That is the part most telling, daily interactions are much more pleasing. Smiles, immediately put others at ease and they're not fake, but genuine, which could be why they work.

Later last night Master helped mouse undress, well, he undressed her slowly and kissed her neck, which always sends shivers to her sex, and then bent her over to take her in the rear. After he slipped the large plug into her to hold in his seed. In bed, when he gave permission for mouse to enter it, we snuggled between the sheets. His body using mouse's as almost one might use a body pillow, how that used to annoy her, but now she's grown used to feeling his weight on her. It's comforting. His scent fills her and she feels useful, even as he sleeps. 

Monday, May 1, 2017

One of Those Things


"Mouse, come here and bring your laptop," Master called from his study. 

There was a marked hesitation from mouse, who was at that moment sending a text message to Lucy, "Oh dear" mouse wrote to her friend, "He wants to see the laptop...Gulp." Master is quite meticulous about his things, as mouse is well aware of. Last year, he gave mouse his older laptop that he used for work, after upgrading to newer one. He cleaned and gave it to mouse with it looking like brand new, with the expectation that it would stay that way.  

Naturally when the screen becomes  dirty mouse will clean it and has a couple times since he's given it to her. It's just not something that she does very often, so this surprise inspection had mouse quaking. The screen was a mess. He opened it up, looked at the screen, shut it down. He got a soft towel and small dish of water, and instructed mouse again on how to properly clean it. He remarked several times that it's not a touch screen, why would there be fingerprints?  

To that mouse had no answer. It wasn't so filthy that it took forever to clean, but still it was embarrassing that she was careless with something Master had entrusted to her care. At the heart that is what he did. 

"Strip, position number one" 

With her head lowered, mouse undressed slowly, stepping out of her skirt, unbuttoning her blouse, until all she was left was the corset, which he unfastened and removed. Raising her arms and clasped behind her neck, she adjusted her stance the way Master expects.  Legs apart, somewhat even with the shoulders. It's a vulnerable position to be in, without anything to hide yourself. 

His fingers grabbed the nipple rings and guided her to the computer and asked if this is how she cares for gifts? 

"No Master." 

He again closed the laptop. He added weight to the nipple rings, then had mouse bend forward, the weights jostled and tugged in that rip the flesh feeling mouse hates,  he then pushed her feet further apart. Soon she felt the riding crop against her backside, and then against the area between her legs, which really caught her attention. Tears fell, her nose ran, and it was all she could to do not to scream.  

Then he stopped, handed her a handkerchief, and used the remaining water in the dish, to wash her face. 

"Now slave, bring me your purse." 

"You might as well just beat mouse now and get it over with -- it'll save us some steps." 

He smirked, and gave mouse 10 minutes to tidy it up, which turned out to be just enough time. 

Friday, April 28, 2017

Leave a Message with the Rain


Thursday night, as she has many times before, stood in Master's study awaiting absolution from the misdeeds and errors. In those moments, she realized that she was far more better off than even a year ago. After years of fighting against what she needed and her mind in conflict with what she felt she should have, suddenly the stillness was unsettling. The moments where she wanted to run, scream and cry were suddenly released. Master carefully walked through the past week of demerits as mouse focused on his words to her. There was continued growth, but there were also areas of stagnation. "Hesitations," he called them and for those mouse would suffer punishment. 

"Who is your Master, slave? Who commands you in all things?" Master questioned.  

Of course, mouse replied that he owns and commands mouse. Twice over the that week mouse had lashed out verbally to Master over something honestly trivial. Several times when he told her to get something, she paused instead of acting and during the week had a rare early-week strapping. He understood the internal struggle she was going through before and more timely reminders are required so there's no backsliding. The punishment she received was far harsher, the strap stung of course, but after he removed himself from her for a day and that was worse.  Master barely spoke to her, refused to let her touch him and refrained from using her sexually or at least in a way that mutually gratifying.

Now, inside the study, mouse was afraid, not of him or his authority but if she had again failed horribly and that he would reject her again. Inwardly as he spoke, she silently begged for physical punishment. Anything was better than not allowing the closeness she craved, and had given herself away the tell was completely revealed to him now. When he asked if mouse recalled why precisely she was punished on Tuesday mouse told him that she had lost control of herself and her emotions and lashed out angrily at him, adding quickly that was truly sorry again for it.

It had been stupid and completely unwarranted. He asked about something and mouse, having already told and explained it twice before blew up at him. Wasn't he listening? Wasn't he paying attention? Isn't that his thing to pay attention to every detail? He wasn't angry that she challenged him, he was upset at the volume of venom that came with it. Had she handled it differently and used her grownup words, not the ones of a petulant child that feels defensive; the punishment might have waited or been not warranted at all.   

He quickly slapped her face to stop the trade, then took her upstairs bent her over the bed and took off his belt. No ritual of kissing the strap, no counting the blows, no discussion - just the strap on her bare bottom. That evening at bed, she knelt beside the bed and begged to enter it. He said nothing in reply, so she took a blanket we keep on the chair and slept on the floor. In the morning he rejected the oral service, but did urinate on her in the shower. The only words spoken that morning was that she could use shampoo and take a cold shower.

He left for work that morning and did kiss her cheek, as is the custom, but said nothing else. No messages were sent from him throughout the day. Wednesday evening he returned home, ate his meal, spoke to the children and went to the study to work. That evening again mouse knelt by the bed and again begged to enter it, and he said to enter it but kept to his side of the bed and Thursday morning, he didn't refuse his oral service.

Now, here was mouse awaiting punishment for everything else she'd done wrong, the hesitations. He spent time catching up on how her meditations were going, which until recently were much better. He said he understood and then had her bend over his desk. His hand touched her bottom, then felt the sting of his hand against her skin, after he had her stand in the corner with the dress hiked up exposing her bottom. The humiliation she felt was great and quietly as possible she cried. Not only had she let him down again, but herself too by failing in her slavery.

When he felt enough time had passed her had mouse kneel before him. and he spoke rather candidly about his disappointment and felt mouse was better than this. The weight of letting him down felt heavy. He had mouse remain close to him the rest of the evening until it was time to ready for bed. He used her body then, taking her from behind. After granting permission to enter the bed, he wrapped his body around his possession, and whispered gently into her ear, asking what was going on inside her head. Words tumbled out about her fear and regret over her recent behavior and then begged him to help her.

Friday morning, mouse woke, pleasured Master with her mouth and tried extra hard to be pleasing for him, warming his towel in the dryer, being extra attentive to his needs. As he shaved he asked mouse to kneel in a way he finds very pleasing, with her head down on the carpet and arms outstretched with her bottom lifted upward. He calls this the second position. He said that breakfast could wait a few minutes  and told her to listen carefully to what he said.

"You are compensating for the punishment last night. This is no longer acceptable behavior, your slavery should be natural and not a way to gain my favor."

Then he walked into the closet, took out the large plug, added some lube and inserted into mouse's bottom. He then used the cane on her thighs causing fresh tears to fall. He handed mouse her bathrobe and told her to prepare breakfast for our family, who would all be up soon. After asking to splash water on her face, mouse hurried downstairs. Breakfast was hurried and slightly late. When everyone was gone, mouse pondered about the punishment. He was right, mouse was trying too hard.

He wants her slavery to be as natural and as pleasing as the breaths she takes, not something she's got to work at or try hard to achieve. During that Friday as she cleaned the house, prepared the meal for Shabbat and ran her errands, she found herself going back over what she did and recalled the last thing she'd spoken to Master before falling asleep the previous night, she had asked for his help.

Suddenly she felt lucky to have such a man in her life. Children arrived home from school and slowly the house came back to life as the table was set, candles laid out, the match to light them, beside the metal dish for the match. Master got home, quickly showered, inspected his shoes (the children are supposed to polish them on Friday's). Soon it was time, the prayers spoken, children blessed and the meal was eaten with the candles left to burn down. For the next 25 hours mouse remained attentive but quiet and made herself available for Master's use. Sunday we went to an outdoor market then to a museum, which was having an exhibit Master was interpreted in.

Sunday evening after the kids were in bed and observed mouse's Monday morning prep, he led her upstairs and watched as she shaved, filled the enema. Master inserted the tip and controlled the water flow, then watched mouse squirm until he gave the command to empty her bowels. After he inserted the medium plug and toyed with her. He impaled her with his sex, penetrating her deep and making her gasp. He jostled the tits that hung free with weights attached to the nipple rings and thoroughly used her for his pleasure. He allowed an orgasm for mouse that evening. A reward for her honest behavior, which hit mouse like a wave and she shook and trembled. After as she licked and kissed Master's body she thanked him profusely for the pleasure of that orgasm. He was pleased, taking out a favorite vibe that he used it on mouse bringing more orgasms until it turned into this blend of sweet torture and left mouse a mentally vacant mess. That night mouse fell asleep with Master's cock in her mouth. As usual, at some point during the night it falls out, but she usually remains close to it throughout the night, which makes Master's morning service even more pleasing.  

The Monday that followed was surprisingly easy, despite the grumpy children. There were no extra corrections needed during the following week, and mouse seemed to find her stride. The mindful meditation had returned to her, as her mind quieted again. It was during this time that mouse noticed the difference between the pleasure of service and the service done to score a point or three. That Thursday back once again in Master's study mouse spoke freely about that and told him she was happy that he brought it her attention, but at the same time wasn't sure what she could do to change that behavior. Together Master and slave spent a little time brainstorming on ways for mouse to understand those moments and recognize them when they occur.

After all this, mouse is happy to report there were no demerits (practically unheard of). Master did remind mouse that over the next several weeks he will be increasingly distant as he gears up for his summer break from work. He reminded mouse to be patient during this time -- and most importantly to use her grownup words when she feels too neglected. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Swallow Your Pride


There's so much more that mouse realizes about herself as she's been moving forward with Master. The times where she was arrogant, or stubborn assuming that she could just do something or another when she probably should have just asked. Last Monday we dressed up and went to Master's brother's home for the first Seder. Naturally mouse offered to help with the final preparations of the meal, which amounted to helping get the various dishes into serving dishes and to the table. It was a nice, albeit, long evening and mouse felt a little tipsy by the end of the meal.

After returning home, Master decided to play with mouse a little, binding her arms behind her and slapping visible body parts for his pleasure.  After a nice long fuck, he undid the binds and walked mouse through the slave positions he wondered if she remembered from last year. How she should stand, sit, and present herself to Master for use. He asked how her meditations were going and wondered if mouse was still feeling that comfortable place. He also spoke of his expectations and how mouse has made efforts to be more mindful.

The rest of the week continued on as it should. Not too much time for play, although Master did take little opportunities to make his slave suffer. Thursday evening after punishing mouse for the demerits he said that overall he's pleased with how much more compliant his slave has been lately. He asked about the mindfulness and decided that we're onto something that his slave functions better when she feels chained to him. Mentally she's at a place where the 'rattle of chains' plays in her mind, sometimes sounds a bit like bells ringing but other times it sounds heavier with a deep clang. Daily now, she mentally thanks Master for everything and feels so very fortunate to belong to him.  

The weekend was another busy one with family activities and trying to avoid the 900 pound easter bunny in the room -- which is a holiday mouse has never liked to celebrate. Sunday we stayed home, with Master taking advantage to do some needed projects around the home, and put mouse to work in his study going through some of the books stored there. There used to more than a few shelves that went for children's books, but now that they're older Master felt it might be nice to get those books out and rearrange the shelves a little. Some shelves were quite filled so it was rather easy to move things around.  Some books were weeded out completely and put into a donation box for charity.

There are two or three books Master wants mouse to carefully look at and decide once and for all if she wants to keep them or if they can be donated (all having to do with home organization). No harm or foul if she decides to donate them, yet there was a pang of failure, which Master dismissed.

Meditation was elusive to mouse, almost always so, but has become easier, then a few days ago with mouse in the right mindset, it happened. For twenty minutes, mouse was completely unaware of the passage of time.  There wasn't any sound, fleeting thoughts, just being in those moments. For hours later mouse marveled about how she did it and honestly couldn't wait to try it again. It was like finally unlocking a door but only entering briefly and then later having this desire to return.  The next day when she had some quiet moments she tried again and was again successful -- we can say that she's on to something here.


Monday, April 10, 2017

Feeling Adrift


While away Master arranged for our housekeeper to begin the process to ready the house for Passover, which is at least to mouse a horrible process of cleaning from top to bottom removing every speck of dust and possible crumb from every carpet fiber in the house using only a candle for light and a pair of tweezers. Ok, that last bit was bit of hyperbole, but you probably get the idea that it's an intense process. 

It isn't easy this year for any of us. Especially for Master (and our whole family), so that's why mouse is going the extra mile even though we aren't hosting, but it's hard since mouse isn't Jewish and wasn't raised with this idea. Now more than any year, mouse feels adrift and wishing she'd kept notes on what to do and when. it's the realization how heavily she relied on her mother-in-law for guidance.

As though he saw mouse breaking down, Master stopped the obsessing mouse was doing and told her to relax. He even sent her to bed early one night. He said we'll get there slowly. Just like that mouse felt him pull her back to where he is. He said he should have asked one of his sister in laws to send over a guid of sorts but really that was mouse's fault (although he didn't blame her). There was this arrogance she felt that she could just do this. It'll be easy she thought -- she's done it before, but that was always with the guidance of his mother and never fully on her own. Sure there are resources like books and youtube videos, but getting advice from someone who's done it many time is different. There are plenty of videos but few go into any meaningful detail. Most focus on the spiritual connection they feel with the holiday, which isn't wrong except that mouse needs details.


Friday, April 7, 2017

Why Slavery?


After we returned, exhausted from our time away, a comment left by Ava was published by Master. He also was a teeny bit curious as to how mouse would reply. This week was a busy one with Passover preparations and shabbat tonight, so this is a rare scheduled ahead post that mouse has worked on throughout the week in what can only be described as stolen moments.  

The first thing mouse would like to say is thank you for writing such thoughtful questions, although mouse would never think herself a "spiritual" person in the sense that she holds no belief in any deity, except maybe for Master and certainly, to her, He's at least more worthy of worship than any invisible being. That might be the spiritual component you mentioned in the comment. Not really sure if slavery chose mouse because she's never sure if she really chose to be a slave. Alpha saw the deep submissiveness and eagerness to please and it all began from there. One thing she does know that without guidance mouse was terrible at directing her own life. Either she wouldn't act on something when she should or just as often made the mistake of jumping in without a lot of thought.  In fact, mouse wrote about this in 2013.

In that post so long ago mouse described the first time we visited Master's accountant to have our taxes done after we married, "Finances were never something mouse spent time organizing...Our first meeting at tax time with his accountant (mouse prepared her taxes herself using a program and she'll admit guesswork), was horrifying. He came with files. Organized and expenses drawn out neatly and mouse showed up (do we need to mention late) with a shoe box of receipts (and other tax papers), just tossed in without explanation, although mouse felt most were self-explanatory." 

Looking back on that today, mouse seems to recall he had a spreadsheet with his monthly deductions and expenses all neatly organized. He was horrified when they came to mouse's "turn" and she had all her paperwork in a shoe box, she nearly left in the car! In retrospect, mouse was embarrassed by it too. If she were smart enough to buy a house, she should have been smart enough to at the very least get a pink file folder to put her tax things in and organize them just a little bit. To contrast now, all tax related documents Master tracks and keeps organized. All mail, except for obvious junk (catalogs, penny savers) is left on his desk, and he alone goes through it. If mouse does give money to any charity (sometimes children come to the door collecting for this or that), regardless of how little, she leaves him a note on his desk. With the exception of reporting him, mouse has been excused from the tax loop. There are other examples of wasteful or just poor planning on mouse's part, but she's sure you might get the idea.

Can't really say if mouse were selfish or selfless as a person, probably like most people a mixture of both, but mouse did prefer, after the first Master/slave dynamic ended, to keep her control to herself. That's probably why despite what she said was the biggest reason for not going to Omega after Alpha's death, as was likely the intended outcome. Instead mouse went her own way and in many ways doesn't regret that because she's not sure she was ready for Omega. Yet, in the early years with Alpha and certainly more so with Omega, mouse has found a joy in service that she finds difficult putting into any words that make sense. There is a great feeling of joy she gets from pleasing her Master and feeling His control.

Maybe if BDSM were a highway, slavery might be the final stop? Still, it isn't for everyone and most are probably more comfortable from one other stops along the way. This doesn't make Master or mouse better than anyone else. Happiness is personal to the individual. On a personal level it's highly doubtful that either of us could be happy in a strictly D/s or other similar dynamics. It is not so much about abandoning your "life" but giving up your "self" and your "ego" to another. It also is not that mouse is "less than" but celebrates how she is different from Him. Master views mouse as valued possession who exists for His pleasure (not only sexual). There is a huge amount of freedom in this. Freedom from worry, because it's not for her to decide what to worry about, freedom from decisions from everything to what to wear, to if anything horrible should befall Master and what mouse would do then. He's laid it all out in advance and has given mouse a clear path to follow. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I Can See Clearly Now


The weather improved slightly from the oddness of the past winter. Yet, it's still rainy but at least the sign of spring are appearing and it's brightened mouse's mood. Weeks and weeks of endless gloomy weather left mouse despite feeling great about everything else, it just becomes very weary. In other news mouse's chauffeur company is back in action and she's finding it difficult to juggle all the family comings and goings.

All this led to mouse to make an odd request of Master, she asked if we could purchase a slow cooker, which sounds funny probably to some that we don't already have one, but it's something that mouse never thought much about. He said he'd consider it, but also said that he found them useless devices that take up counter space.  When mouse mentioned recipes she's been finding lately, he simply countered that as a competent home cook, mouse should be able to figure her way around that and often the ingredients used are often suspect. He despises things that come in a can or packet, no matter how good the outcome is professed to be, he can always tell the difference.

In the end, Master decided that it would become just another thing used in the beginning and tossed aside. He could be right about that, all that could be said is that mouse made her case, and it was rejected by him. A simple thing, and yet, not; because it left mouse feeling slightly irritated by his dismissal. It's not like she goes around asking for a lot -- it seemed like a simple request that he should have just rubber-stamped and slid it into the OK bin.

So, mouse sat with that feeling for a day or so, and discovered it really wasn't about making her life easier, but really about the idea of making her life easier.  As if this gadget would solve her driving around dropping and picking up, then rushing to cook a hot meal -- and the bigger question seemed to be that if such a thing would lead to her becoming more inventive with her meal planning? Sure, chicken legs or quarters tossed with some spices and thrown into the oven -- the larger question is what would she make differently?

All the mental gymnastics mouse was doing to justify her need, when all she was doing making excuses for her poor planning.

The simple fact is mouse is bored with cooking and tired of trying to think of new recipes to try within the time restraints, equally tired of dietary restrictions. Master can't eat this or that, kids don't like this or that -- it leads to very dull meals punctuated by maybe one decent meal a week. In preparing that decent meal mouse takes a lot of thought and effort and puts into a wonderful meal. It shows too. It's also not like she doesn't have the resources either, she's got a wall of cookbooks -- maybe it's time that she started reading them?

Wow, what a concept.